A small room in Queens

Sometimes I’m up late at night, worried awake by the way things are. Teachers Union’s being attacked, economy in the dumps and the weather so cold and unforgiving. As much as I’ve fought hard to be the person I’ve always wanted to be, with my films and my friends and my life. I can not help but feel that many things are not up to me. I sit here in this small room, my life belongings surround me small enough to fit into a compact car. I am alone. Sometimes I feel this vague guilt that somehow I have put myself in this situation and that things are not ideal by my own hands. I’ve tried very hard to make it all work so fucking hard. I live here in New York and I think now that this is my home and it frightens me. I am originally from Connecticut.  For a long time I was traveling hours to CT just per chance to sit down and have coffee with my friends, or even visit them at work. I even had my birthday in CT so my friends could attend. As I look in the mirror and see myself now 34 it’s now clear to me. I have been trying to live in two world both NYC and CT and in result I am alive in neither. It’s not that my friends don’t care about me, it’s just that they have the trappings of life, children, a morgage, long work hours and these are just things that require time. I have a habit of sharing my feelings openly and wearing my heart on my sleeve and so it should be no surprise to those who know me best to read this. It’s not that I won’t be coming to Connecticut anymore because I will but I will be making it far less often. The trip is expensive and exhausting and frankly underappreciated. My parents and my family will always be there for me but as for my friends they’ve grown up and moved on and so I’ll do the same even if it’s by myself. I  have my bones, I have my films I have my family far away but I have them and that’s all I have. If you need me I’ll be in New York still trying to hump the American dream “in a country that threw us over board 30 fucking years ago.”. I yearn desperately for the day when things get better but I can not see it yet. I have to believe that my life will not be a tragedy.

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